I have no idea what I need…but I need somethin’.
"What do you need right now?"
This is a question I ask my clients. When I was a counselor in a high school, I used to ask this question to students when they would wander into my office and throw themselves down on the futon. All dramatic like. It started with Cheeze-its and went from there.
Seems like such a basic question, doesn't it?
The reality is, most people don't have an answer. If you asked me right now, I probably wouldn't.
Our brains are hooked to a conveyor belt of information: News articles, DIY videos, blogs, recipes, WebMD, mile-long social media scrolls, self-care tips, parenting podcasts, shopping deals, art tutorials, email alerts, banking online, Slack announcements, calendar invites, app recommendations, GIFS, reels of ducks, dogs, and owls, weather warnings, stock market plunges, digital coupons, birthday reminders, Travel deals, Venmo requests...
I mean. 😵💫
We need a sliver of nothing to be in touch with the answer to that question.
It’s a fundamental question.
You may need laughter after battling anxiety for weeks on end. You may need a night out since you’ve been drilling into work projects every evening this week. You may need someone to remind you of your gifts since mid-life took a 2X4 to your confidence. You may need 30 minutes to sit on the deck and listen to the birds and feel the breeze because you’ve been on a computer all day. You may need a phone call with someone who knows you so well you don't have to be "on." You may need to cry because you’ve been holding in so much for so long that you need the release of tears. You may need to apologize to someone you have hurt since the strain is taking a toll on both of you. You may need to go work in the yard and not think so much. You may need to get out your journal and think more than you allow yourself to think. You may need to drive around and sing worship songs to crack open your heart. You may need to get in your car and scream your Job-like thoughts to God. You may need to be with friends. You may need to be alone. You may need to take a risk and be more vulnerable, less guarded. You may need to ask others questions instead of always being the one to talk. You may need to pray. You may need to take a walk without your phone or earbuds. You may need to stop reading the Bible all the time and read a novel. You may need to get off the news and pick up the Psalms.
The only way we know what we need is to listen to our lives. To stop with all the absorbing, consuming, and bingeing. Let the dust settle. Slow down. We begin to notice what we carry. We have the peace of mind to feel the things we shove down. From there, we can name it. And from there, we can share it. We are often giving others a version of ourselves, compounded by layers so thick with stuff. No one experiences “us.” We don't know ourselves.
So, the loneliness epidemic is not all that surprising. Loneliness doesn’t come from not having people to eat with or hang with. It comes from not being known.
Let’s pretend you just walked into my office. Or you may be a mom in her closet, the only spot to get alone and jump on a virtual-session with me. Maybe you are a dad who is tenderhearted and empathetic. You find it tough to locate other men who are willing to be emotional and honest. Maybe you are just going off to college and you feel nervous that you will always have shallow friendships. Maybe you are single and you pack your days so full as to keep the winds of grief at bay.
Slowly, as we talk, we start the cosmic untangling. All the things wrapped so tightly about you begin to loosen; you start to feel real. Self-compassion must lead the way.
“What do you need right now?”
What do you love that you have stopped doing?
What part of you has “gone underground,” as Sue Monk Kidd describes?
What is the fear that leads most of your decisions and yet you can’t identify it?
Living in the fullness of our humanness is exactly what God intends for us. The joy, the sorrow, the delight, the disappointment, the hope, and the fear. A grab-bag of reality. And there is nothing quite like being friends with real people. Three-dimensional people. To be known and to know others with integrity. Especially today! Help me, Jesus.
Maybe this is what God is calling us into. Real Life with Real People.
In a world where we don’t know what is real and what is not…let’s unearth ourselves for one another.
🙋🏻♀️